Dear ________, my boyfriend/girlfriend is depressed (or abusive, or addicted, et cetera)

Someone asked in a public forum: "What should I do?  My boyfriend suffers from depression. He's started getting help, but I feel terrible when I'm with him."

This is my response, more or less, and I think that it applies to any kind of bad behavior, in any relationship:

     If he really loves you, and is not just leaning on you, then he will want you to be happy; he'll be okay with you stepping back until and while he gets help and establishes a foundation of stability.  You should involve his family an a few closest friends if you step back, so that they can step in and support him.  

You do not want a co-dependent relationship.  

     You do not help someone else by putting yourself in a situation where you, yourself, become un-healthy.  In airlines, you put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then help those around you. So, here, keep yourself healthy first, and then help him if you want. (You are not obligated to ruin yourself to support him.)

     Depression and mental illness, addictions, and destructive habits and coping mechanisms are real, as real as any physically observable ailment like a broken leg. They can in many cases be overcome to some degree: depending on the nature of the problem, it may truly be temporary, related to something that has happened to him; or it may be something that periodically affects him throughout his life; or it may be chronic and fatal.  

The good news is, there are treatments and hope for most conditions, but they depend mostly on the tenacity of the individual who has issues.  "Treatment" may mean medication.  It should absolutely include counseling -- for the sick person alone, for the one who loves him/her, and for the two of you together.

Treatment *must* include permanent life changes by the one who is sick -- learning and applying healthy coping mechanisms.  

     Help him and support him through it, if you want, but hold him accountable (this is part of what makes it not co-dependent): he must do those things that are required to make him healthy, or you will *not* stick around; in that case, if he's not doing what he needs to, and you stick around, then you are only enabling him to destroy himself.  And, only you and the Lord can know when it is time to step back, time to push him, or time to leave him. 

     Loving someone also means that you will not enable bad behavior from them.  Ultimately *YOU*ARE*NOT*RESPONSIBLE*FOR*THE*CHOICES*HE*MAKES, and don't ever let him manipulate you into thinking that you are. If that happens, then politely explain that you care too much for him and his happiness to accept his blame for his choices.  Holding him accountable, even to the point of leaving him forever (kindly), if needed, may be the most loving thing you can do, particularly if he will not make the healthy choices he needs to make. Accountability is a life-long requirement.

Even in "healthy" relationships, mutual accountability is a MUST.  There are some things that you *should* do to or for or with each other to greater or lesser degrees.  There are some things that you should never do to or for or with each other.  Marriage itself is a covenant -- an agreement between parties that expresses obligations between the parties.

Now, a word on forgiveness and repentance: nobody is perfect, and everybody needs repentance.   A successful and happy marriage cannot exist without forgiveness on the part of *both* parties, and we *all* need grace.  That said, there are some things that should never happen -- that while these should be forgiven for the soul of the abused, we should not "stick around" and excuse or allow it.  And there are some things that may happen, where a forgiveness and repentance process must take place.  "A successful marriage is the union of two great forgivers" reads a placard on my bathroom counter. 

     I would approach this the same way you might for your children: you love them, but you will not accept some behavior; you lovingly, respectfully, but very firmly set limits; and transgression of those limits will have consequences (not necessarily "punishments"; consequences may be separation or divorce).  You have to make the determination as to what the situation calls is and what the appropriate action is: is it an early stage in their healing/re-training process where they're going to make mis-steps, and they need a firm boundary, a reminder, etc.? Or is it a temporary regression which calls for the same reminder and boundary?  Or is it an attempt to abuse or manipulate? Or is it an unrepentant and/or chronic poor choice?  Remember, we are not helping the abuser/sufferer by remaining forever around and enabling their abuse or continued poor choices: if we truly love them, just as with an errant child, we will hold them accountable and choices will have consequences.

I hope that this helps anyone who might be struggling in this area.